We receive complements on The Child’s eating habits all the time. I am still uncomfortable answering the inevitable inquiries. The vast majority of children we come in contact with are extremely picky eaters.
We are the exception and not the rule. A few years back, I caught myself responding to positive comments with a compensatory list of The Child’s faults, and it brought me up short. I started investigating what was really going on with us so I could better express myself. Writing helps me understand our family’s relationship to food.
I am learning to answer questions and accept compliments without undermining The Child’s well-deserved spotlight.
There are so many different facets to it: eating together, cooking together, shopping together, and talking frankly about ingredients, farming, science, and the complexities of the natural world. Some of her success may be just the way she is wired – thus the blog tagline: parenting or luck?
I began to break it down one thing at a time. But there are a fair number of ideas which spawned half-written blog entries. Entries which start out helpful and end with me shaking my head, hitting the delete key, and wondering how to convey our course of action without a perceived sense of judgement thrown at those who have chosen other parenting paths.
So let’s just call a spade a spade.
*Deep Breath*
The answer to all those folks out there who have asked with genuine sincerity how we did it… “Part of the reason my kid eats and yours doesn’t is because I am mean and selfish, and you’re not.”
*Big Exhale*
Because I’m Selfish
I am not a short order cook. I have no problem letting my child go a little hungry if a meal is not to her liking.
I discipline over trying food because I think an unwillingness to try or taste something new is rude. And since the sense of taste is always changing as we age, and cooking methods and seasonings are never quite the same, for our family this means tasting every part of a meal every time.
We do not take vitamins or supplements. Unless directed by a doctor for a particular condition or deficit, there is no double-blind controlled proof that supplements do anything but potential harm. Especially multivitamins. So my kid’s nutrition comes from the same place every other kid’s does. Her food. In this case as much variety as possible. Accepting that there is no safety-net multivitamin or fortified food puts the onus squarely on me as the parent to ensure The Child eats a wide range of ingredients.
Food will touch other food. Sometimes it is *gasp* intentionally all mixed together. When multiple solids were offered as a toddler, they were always crowded together on the plate.
I hate to waste food to a compulsive degree. So we will figure out a way to choke down something meh rather than throw it away.
We enforce basic table manners. We all make being home for a family meal a priority, often at great effort and inconvenience, so it is hugely disrespectful to have a meal hijacked by theatrics and chaos.
Positive Consequences
It is not quite a bleak life of controlling discipline around here… *wink* There are ways to build choice into her relationship with what fuels her body. And we revel in meal times being about communication and time together.
After the initial taste, The Child decides how much she eats. She is consulted on ingredient or menu preferences, and routinely directly involved in preparation. She shops with us and has useful input. And we are big fans of condiments and additions to the plate to help make the best of a not-favorite meal.
Eating is as unavoidable as emotions.
A dear friend once asked if I was concerned about attaching emotions to food for my kid.
I don’t see how anyone can ever separate emotions from food. Parents worry with good reason about eating disorders, body image, and obesity. I do not know enough to speak to what causes one kid to have detrimental food issues while another does not. But is there a culture anywhere which does not connect food to emotion? When we’re happy and sharing time with friends and family, welcoming newcomers into a community, or consoling each other over loss… there is, and will always be, food.
Only Time Will Tell
There is no way for me to know if the parenting choices we have made will have ill effects on The Child’s psyche. Perhaps her genetic make up predisposes her to have a particular body type and disposition well beyond any influence we attempt.
But learning to communicate with each other is something we can control. By fostering an environment where genuine curiosity is rewarded, questions are encouraged, and science matters – perhaps the inevitable will be better dealt with when it inevitably arrives.
In the meantime, we have chosen a path that works for all of us. And that is exactly what every family should do. Together. Decide what is the best match of choices for your family. Maybe you don’t mind limiting your family menu options to a very short list. Or perhaps it makes you happy to prepare individual meals for your loved ones. Perhaps you find it less stressful and easier to cart around food to play dates and vacations just to be sure your kid is eating what they want. These are all very legitimate points of view.
But when someone asks me wistfully, “How do you get her to try so many different things?”
“I make her try things, because when all is said and done, it is easier for me.”
